received several messages from readers who were
interested in knowing quite the opposite, why women
don't want to have sex.One guy said if it was true that
women have sex for all the reasons mentioned, then,
they have enough reasons to have sex almost every
day. Another wanted to know why once married,
most women lose interest in sex and all they do is
find excuses for their lack of interest. He went on to
postulate that if women gave enough sex to their
husbands, then they would be less tempted to cheat
on them. I told him I did not totally agree with that
position. How does one determine the quantity of sex
that a partner needs to be satisfied? Having sex with
a partner every time it is demanded does not mean
that the sex is satisfactory or that it will hold him
down. Even the most beautiful vaginas have been
cheated on and it is hardly all of the time that sex is
the reason for cheating. besides, lack of interest in
sex is not limited to the female partner alone. Like it
or not, men also do lose interest in sex with their
partners and are partly responsible for their
women's lack of interest in sex sometimes too. I
thought we could run through some of the reasons
women often do not want sex; from the commonly
given reasons to less talked about emotional and
psychological inhibitors.
*Always, communication tops my list in all
relationships. If the communication is good, the two
way channels are open and fluid, there is trust and
honesty on both sides, the first hurdle has already
been conquered. Lack of adequate and meaningful
communication is a key problem in relationships and
it affects both partners. Often times, couples can't
honestly discuss their sexual preferences. A number
of men force theirs on their women, while the
women find it difficult to turn them down or insist on
how they want the sex performed. Another common
error on the part of women is that they assume that
their man must figure out how to provide good sex
that they will enjoy without them having to spell
things out. We forget that guys are human and lack
the powers to read minds.
*Medical and psychological issues may often result
in loss of sexual desires. In a study carried out by Dr.
Edward Laumann of the Medical Centre, University of
Chicago which are published in the New England
Journal of Medicine, 47 percent of women suffer
sexual dysfunction compared to 31 percent of men.
Also, 43 percent women reported low libido, 34
percent were unable to reach orgasm and 39 percent
had vagina dryness problems. Some of the reasons
listed for these include medical conditions such as
diabetes, thyroid disease, anaemia, hormonal
disorder, pregnancy and childbirth, menopause,
hysterectomy, Vaginal disorder such as Vaginismus
or Biathlon's cysts, lack of sensation due to decrease
muscle tone in the vagina, aging, obesity, or medical
problems that affect the sex hormones, (estrogen
and testosterone) among others. Emotional, physical
or psychological issues such as low self esteem, bad
body image, stressful lifestyle, depression, anxiety
and sexual abuse.
Female sexual dysfunction according to Cindy
Meston, a Psychology Professor from the University
of Texas, is characterised by a lack of desire, libido
and orgasm and it affects about one-third of women
at some point in their lives. Still wondering why some
women often don't want sex?
*The psychological composition of the two sexes are
quite different. Women are more emotionally
involved in sex while it is more physical for men.
While men think about the places to have sex,
women think more about the reasons to have sex.
Sometimes, if a woman is not convinced of the need
to have sex, she is likely to turn a guy down. God or
bad, some women think of sex as a reward versus
punishment process. If the guy has been good to
them, then he deserves a treat, otherwise, he can
stew for a while to get his priorities right.
*This next one might seem over flogged but it is true
nonetheless. The daily routine of life may sometimes
be so overwhelming that sex is removed off the front
burner of important issues of life.
After all, who has ever paid for goods and services
with sex all the time? Even a prostitute has to part
with money at some point if she wants to get things
done. Pressure from work, taking care of the children
and the house, financial issues and juggling to make
ends meet, family and in-law pressure all can take its
toll on anyone, this time guys inclusive. God forbid if
there are special challenges involved, eg, a special
need child, loss of job or a medical challenge.
Pressure and stress from these situation often
override the need for sex, which is often seen as a
pleasure ride by women rather than a need.
*Sexual incompatibility is another problem. This
could mean that one partner desires or need to have
sex more often than the other, or one does not have
need for it at all. yes, there are people who are
asexual and have no interest in sexual activities. It is
obvious that sexually incompatible partners will have
problems in their relationship. Sometimes, a loss of
affection might be a reason. A sexual relationship
must be full of intimacy. There must be regular
touching, hugging, kissing, endearments, gifts, (they
don't have to be expensive) dates, (even after
marriage). Often times, couple simply settle into a
routine after getting married. For some men, the
reason could be that once the courtship period is
over, it is time to settle into real life situation of home
and family building, the monkey business is over. so,
they no longer create time and attention to do all
those things they did to woo their spouses in the first
place. Women also have been known to become
complacent with their men, believing that with the
ring now on their finger, the man is theirs and have
nowhere to go. The premarital sex and over flowing
show of affection and love was to hook him to them
or negotiate a ring on their fingers.
Though sex might not actually be the most important
part of marriage, it is the oil that lubricates the wheel
that moves a relationship and so, its importance
cannot be undermined.
Sex may not become a problem until one of the
partners begin to complain about it.
Do have a lovely day!
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